Nikolai's Imaginary Guitar Solo

NIKOLAI'S IMAGINARY GUITAR SOLO

Ever since I was a child music has encompassed me. I remember my first moments with a cheap acoustic guitar in my toy bin and realizing that if you played it very quietly it sounded like it was going far away from you, and conversely if you played loud it would sound like it was right in front of you.

This was a momentary, fleeting pass with the learning of music. More wouldn't come until middle school and a wonderful music teacher named Mr. Topfer.

I chose trumpet, as I wanted to be in band but figured the trumpet was loud and only had 3 keys so how hard could it be right? Little did I know how hard ANY brass instrument is to master.

Slowly learning sheet music, and the order of sharps and flats, the instrument grew on me and I eventually graduated to High School and competed in Marching Band.

I actually left the Football team to be on marching band. The crack and bombastic sound of the drum line, and the choreography of the players excited me.

I was never first chair but I played a lot and learned a lot. I still remember my major scale positions on trumpet to this day.

I forgot most of what I learned due to joining The Army and deploying to Iraq as a Combat Medic.

Right before I joined the Army, I asked a friend who played Guitar if I should learn Guitar, because like everyone plays Guitar, and he responded that I should learn Guitar, but that yes, everyone plays Guitar.

So me and my friends went down to the old Guitar Center and I picked up a Fender Acoustic Starter Kit.

Destiny I named her. She was tragically destroyed but I have reclaimed a cheaper Squier Acoustic and dubbed it Destiny II.

I couldn't bring Destiny with me to the service so I would just miss her during long days of pushups and whatnot.

In Iraq there were companies coming and going and I managed to find a guy selling his Washburn black acoustic with snake skin case and cool Guitar Hero stickers all over the case for $50.

I seized the moment and purchased the Guitar and Case and decided to polish up my chords in my off time from mutilated bodies and getting shot at.

That Guitar was also accidentally destroyed in Louisiana when a couch it was leaning on slipped and it came crashing to the floor snapping the neck from the body.

She never even had a name.

I have a thing for destroying Guitars. I know its sacrosanct to some, but done right, in front of a crowd or camera, it just feels so good after hours and weeks, and months, and years of mind numbing practice on an instrument that oddly enough doesn't get enough press.

No more destroying guitars, only practice, only schooling.

Anyway I got out of the Army and got a little check from the VA and SSDI and managed to purchase everything from a Moog DFAM, to a Roland GAIA, to a yellow $1700 Ibanez RG named Bubbles that I proceeded to sell after recording some solos and videos with it.

Buying gear is fun...I'm currently awaiting a custom 8 string black electric, and a 5 watt Hughes & Kettner, but it doesn't scratch the itch that I'm hoping to scratch with your program. Not that I'm itchy or anything.

As the title implies I have a strong affinity for Zappa. All he did, and continues to do.

Somedays it's like Zappa versus Hendrix in my head all day and the older I get the more Zappa I find in my soul.

I believe Jimi was murdered and didn't overdose on his own, through fervent readings and research, but still Jimi represents a very immature yet talented view of music.

I believe Frank Zappa is quoted as saying Jimi needed to go to school for music, and that is where I am in Life.

I have 600 recordings on iTunes and whatnot, I have shot live YouTube videos and covers, and performed countless lonely Open Mic nights, but what I need is a foundation for composing music and making what I hear in my head happen is real life.

Not a billboard #1, not a catchy chorus, but a real understanding of what music is, where it comes from and where it will lead me.

I'm well past 500 words but if you wish to know more about who I am and what I do, reach out to me at 720.291.3216, opiraqivet@gmail.com, as I tell everyone visit nikolaijackson.com.

Everything you could possibly want to know about my life, my music, or my podcast is on there.

nikolaijackson.com

Again that's...

nikolaijackson.com

Ha, look at me shamelessly self advertising in a college interview.

All about exposure as Frank Zappa would say.

My seminal Album is “The Powerlines” available on all streaming platforms.

Don't let my eclectic, busy work music turn you off from trying “Puzzl7” or “First Letter”, if you like Acoustic, or maybe “Tears on The Cement” or “Baghdad at Sunset” for instrumental Vai/Satriani-esque Rock. Or “When I've Been Drinking” for straight forward rock.

I have a few Classical compositions, and even a Rap album!

I would love to attend your school and I am having a little trouble getting 100% of my GI Bill as I am 100% disabled and should get 100% but due to my short time in service I only get 60% approved, which would mean I would have to foot the bill for the other 40% which I might be able to do but it would be a HUGE turn off to me attending your school.

I believe I qualify for the Yellow Ribbon Program and there is also Vocational Rehabilitation, but I would like to speak with your military advisor about contesting my 60% GI Bill for 100% due to my service connected disability.

Red tape I know.

If you need anything, reach out and I will pick up or call back at earliest convenience.

Take care now, bye bye then.

-NAJ

...overcoming addiction...

polyphia….they’re a band a good, band, one of the many bands i found myself getting plastered to before i was forced to get sober. drink after drink after drink man i was getting loaded on everything I could get me greasy little hands on and and am i so lucky i didn’t OD or die during those times, just feeling outright outraged at the state i was in and how i felt so abandoned after the war and betrayed by my army girlfriend. i would have done anything to erase the pain of embarrassment or shame that i felt in those days, just toppling myself with spliff and booze and pussy.

now i stand strong, not all the way maybe, i still have cravings to use and abuse and go crazy once the state isn’t looking over my back, but i have a year, or 11 months to trust in myself that i will not use or go back to using. and it feels good.

i should remember that i do this ‘artist’ thing for myself and to overcome the doubts i have in myself about my own shortcomings and lack of will power. i get so lonely personally and digitally but that’s maybe the point, to see how far you will strive into that dark night perceiving every unliked, unseen, unloved piece of art as a testament to my own self preservation and knowing i am worth it.

i have no qualms anymore, although i do have thoughts that rage at times especially at night about my past and my mistakes but i know i can over come them if i just keep pushing. i’ve grounded myself with sobriety, 1 month sober from alkeyhaul and 5 months from pot. i just want to do this for myself from here on out, not the courts and not anyone else for damn sure. my liver is on the fritz and i know drinking again will equal death for me.

but creation and the act of creating new things whether it be this blog, a song, a podcast or a new youtube video will lift me out of that urge to use and destroy my life. creation vs. destruction.

i’m happiest when i’m creating and although i do visualize and fantasize better yet leaving behind a digital footprint in this world that people will look back on, and that will remain as a testament of how hard i rocked this world and what i was capable of making in this world and what i was capable of losing, although that desire remains, i need to make the connections and reputation with people while i still breathe air in this world to be able to leave anything beehind.

i used to fantasize and still do about kurt, amy, jimi all those young stars that came, rocked out, and just died prematurely without a chance to say goodbye. and i’ll be damned if i didn’t come so close to being one of them and i still worry about my health and well being, but i know I’m on solid ground and if i die today i will die having surmounted my most difficult enemy, even grater than those in the army and in iraq, the enemy of addiction and finding positive mental health.

i want to be the best that i can be and live up to the expectations of my parents and what few fans i have still out there.

i know i offended so many people and hurt so many more including family and some friends that i’ll never get to say goodbye to i know that i am here and i am willing.

Letting go of the past....

It’s so difficult to let go and let live, so hard to say goodbye to past mistakes, errors of character, mixed up emotions, and plain ol’ failures. I’m always like, clinging on to either a broken past, or a unforeseen future. I have to learn to live in the now. I have plenty of memories of the past and I have no idea what is going to happen in the future. So I must learn to live in the now, and, almost more importantly, make decisions that are going to benefit my future hopefully.

No more shabby decisions to get high in the now only to tarnish my future. I have my whole life ahead of me and I need to cherish my life and make whole decisions that will leave me whole in the future and not in pieces.

I find it especially difficult with substances. My two main of choice are weed, and alcohol. I’m a veteran so trauma is no foreign object to me, and also I’m a lover so having my heart broken in the past leads to trauma of the emotional core type too.

I’ve also hurt so many people with my psychosis in the past, including family, friends and even pets. I feel almost worse about hurting others than the pain I feel from my own personal traumas.

I want to let go of the unhealthy Nikolai and cling to an image in the future of myself with no more cigarettes burns on his skin and no more hurting myself or others all together.

The cycle of trauma is felt deep within myself and those I love. I just pray the ones that are finding their way away from trauma and conflict find that shiny new morning of hope in their own lives.

Life is so difficult, even with every cent from the treasury in your account or whatever foreseen safety net at your feet, we still trip, horrible things still happen, and we find ourselves at a loss for word or action against the deplorable refractions of loss of character and grief in this world.

I cling to hobbies, activities, day to day, whether it’s music, lightsaber dueling, or just buying new clothes, anything to break up the day into smaller more manageable portions.

I want to study psychology and learn about the brain and what triggers it’s oft seen maladies and tremors of trauma. Slowly though I must go, not to derail my own ship of mental well-being. I have to keep up with my doctors and groups and AA meetings in order to self-preserve myself so I can help others.

It’s a daily battle I guess, just trying to figure out who and what I am, and what I want to be in this world. I have a lot of pain, grief, and trauma from the past and the least I can do is try to use my talents, time, and courage to face up to a better reality for everyone else and myself.