It’s so difficult to let go and let live, so hard to say goodbye to past mistakes, errors of character, mixed up emotions, and plain ol’ failures. I’m always like, clinging on to either a broken past, or a unforeseen future. I have to learn to live in the now. I have plenty of memories of the past and I have no idea what is going to happen in the future. So I must learn to live in the now, and, almost more importantly, make decisions that are going to benefit my future hopefully.
No more shabby decisions to get high in the now only to tarnish my future. I have my whole life ahead of me and I need to cherish my life and make whole decisions that will leave me whole in the future and not in pieces.
I find it especially difficult with substances. My two main of choice are weed, and alcohol. I’m a veteran so trauma is no foreign object to me, and also I’m a lover so having my heart broken in the past leads to trauma of the emotional core type too.
I’ve also hurt so many people with my psychosis in the past, including family, friends and even pets. I feel almost worse about hurting others than the pain I feel from my own personal traumas.
I want to let go of the unhealthy Nikolai and cling to an image in the future of myself with no more cigarettes burns on his skin and no more hurting myself or others all together.
The cycle of trauma is felt deep within myself and those I love. I just pray the ones that are finding their way away from trauma and conflict find that shiny new morning of hope in their own lives.
Life is so difficult, even with every cent from the treasury in your account or whatever foreseen safety net at your feet, we still trip, horrible things still happen, and we find ourselves at a loss for word or action against the deplorable refractions of loss of character and grief in this world.
I cling to hobbies, activities, day to day, whether it’s music, lightsaber dueling, or just buying new clothes, anything to break up the day into smaller more manageable portions.
I want to study psychology and learn about the brain and what triggers it’s oft seen maladies and tremors of trauma. Slowly though I must go, not to derail my own ship of mental well-being. I have to keep up with my doctors and groups and AA meetings in order to self-preserve myself so I can help others.
It’s a daily battle I guess, just trying to figure out who and what I am, and what I want to be in this world. I have a lot of pain, grief, and trauma from the past and the least I can do is try to use my talents, time, and courage to face up to a better reality for everyone else and myself.
