polyphia….they’re a band a good, band, one of the many bands i found myself getting plastered to before i was forced to get sober. drink after drink after drink man i was getting loaded on everything I could get me greasy little hands on and and am i so lucky i didn’t OD or die during those times, just feeling outright outraged at the state i was in and how i felt so abandoned after the war and betrayed by my army girlfriend. i would have done anything to erase the pain of embarrassment or shame that i felt in those days, just toppling myself with spliff and booze and pussy.
now i stand strong, not all the way maybe, i still have cravings to use and abuse and go crazy once the state isn’t looking over my back, but i have a year, or 11 months to trust in myself that i will not use or go back to using. and it feels good.
i should remember that i do this ‘artist’ thing for myself and to overcome the doubts i have in myself about my own shortcomings and lack of will power. i get so lonely personally and digitally but that’s maybe the point, to see how far you will strive into that dark night perceiving every unliked, unseen, unloved piece of art as a testament to my own self preservation and knowing i am worth it.
i have no qualms anymore, although i do have thoughts that rage at times especially at night about my past and my mistakes but i know i can over come them if i just keep pushing. i’ve grounded myself with sobriety, 1 month sober from alkeyhaul and 5 months from pot. i just want to do this for myself from here on out, not the courts and not anyone else for damn sure. my liver is on the fritz and i know drinking again will equal death for me.
but creation and the act of creating new things whether it be this blog, a song, a podcast or a new youtube video will lift me out of that urge to use and destroy my life. creation vs. destruction.
i’m happiest when i’m creating and although i do visualize and fantasize better yet leaving behind a digital footprint in this world that people will look back on, and that will remain as a testament of how hard i rocked this world and what i was capable of making in this world and what i was capable of losing, although that desire remains, i need to make the connections and reputation with people while i still breathe air in this world to be able to leave anything beehind.
i used to fantasize and still do about kurt, amy, jimi all those young stars that came, rocked out, and just died prematurely without a chance to say goodbye. and i’ll be damned if i didn’t come so close to being one of them and i still worry about my health and well being, but i know I’m on solid ground and if i die today i will die having surmounted my most difficult enemy, even grater than those in the army and in iraq, the enemy of addiction and finding positive mental health.
i want to be the best that i can be and live up to the expectations of my parents and what few fans i have still out there.
i know i offended so many people and hurt so many more including family and some friends that i’ll never get to say goodbye to i know that i am here and i am willing.
